what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
