I accidentally burped into my bong.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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