how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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