Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I fill condoms, not promises.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
