he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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