shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
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is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
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Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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