You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
