This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I have aggressive nipples.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Randomize
