In the future we'll all be gay
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
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