Will you blow on my dice?
you're drinking in the law library????
...not a bad idea....
probably not a good idea either.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
