Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
