Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Randomize
