I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
