On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
