She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
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