The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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