I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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