I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
false alarm, still single
Randomize
