We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
