Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
