My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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