I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
