I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize