Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Randomize
