Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
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