Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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