im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
