it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
