Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
