She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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