I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
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