my vag is so smooth its legendary
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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