Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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