I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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