rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
