How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
