we're chasing vodka with high fives
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
