my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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