Swine flu. Run for my life!
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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