'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
