Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Let the clothes fall where they may.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
