Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
