Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Randomize
