she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
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