can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize
