Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
