fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
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don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
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You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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