Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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