Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Randomize
