Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
