i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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