I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize