We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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