be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Randomize
