I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
