This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
