Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
