I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
