he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
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So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
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I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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