just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
