I want to have your abortion
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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