He asked to "fluff my boner.."
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
