i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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