found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
